Chemotherapy Prayer

"Blessed are you God our God, King of the universe...."

"A morning prayer from the book Prayers and Promises by Ed Dobson tells of a time that the author and his son attended a year of weekly classes on conversion to Judaism at a local (Grand Rapids) synagogue. Their purpose was not to convert from Christianity, but to understand Judaism better.

Dobson wrote:

One of the things we learned was the official Jewish blessing. When Christians pray over their food, they often ask God to bless it. From a Jewish point of view, this is very foolish. After all, God has already blessed the food. He sent the rain. He sent the sunshine. He provided good farmland for growing crops. And
he gave farmers the ability to grow the food and bakers the ability to bake the bread. So rather than asking God to bless the food, Jews bless God for the food.

Dobson said that they pray with the formula, "Blessed are you God our God, King of the universe...." with the topic "Who brings forth bread from the earth" at mealtime, and with many other subjects throughout the day.

My prayer for chemotherapy has been:
Lord, please help the chemo drugs to find the cancer cells;
to effectively destroy them; and
to help my other cells be so healthy that the cancer cells cannot grow back.

I will apply Dobson's prayer suggestion for my situation:
Blessed are you God our God, King of the universe,
who knows where the cancer cells are

and uses medicine to destroy cancer,
and who brings health and life in my vulnerability.

Blessed are you God our God, King of the universe....

To Philly & Back

Visiting Carrie

A week ago Wednesday (after stopping for a "blood draw" at the hospital), John and I drove (John actually drove) to Philadelphia to stay with Carrie for a few days. It was a long drive, a long day, but the roads were good, and the timing turned out to be good for traffic as well. (My doctor just said to stop and walk around every couple hours and to wear surgical stockings to prevent blood clots.) We mostly had quiet restful times for reading and visiting there in Carrie's Manayunk (area of Philly) apartment. She just moved to that particular apartment in December, so this was our first time at this sunny place. It is always good to see her!


Arnold's Way

Monday, Carrie drove us (allowing us to keep our parking space) to a little shop/restaurant she had found, called Arnold's Way, which emphasizes a raw version of healthy food. I had "Sally’s Red Salad - Sweet beet Stake, Beet, Red Pepper, Tomato, Carrot, Red Cabbage, Green Olives are all minced together and served on a bed of lettuce. " John had "Pizza - Minced Tomato, Broccoli, Mushroom, Red Pepper served with our Red Sauce on a flax, buckwheat, carrot crust'", which looked rather like a salad on crackers, but tasted really good.

There are books and products for healthy eating/living, and Arnold told us about a cancer movie he recommends. He and my oncologist have different views on the value of chemotherapy, but of course, the food was really good there!

Summerfield/Siloam UMC

Sunday morning, John and I attended a worship service at Summerfield/Siloam United Methodist Church in an area called Fishtown. The message was about living in the light of Jesus' resurrection. There was a small gathering for a 10:00 a.m. traditional worship service in a lovely city-church stone building. That was followed by their "Revolution" service; we're thinking that means "contemporary" and that it is probably their larger service. (We did not stay.)

National Constitution Center

We had not intended to do any "tourist" activities, but we felt like getting out a bit, and I loved the National Constitution Center the first time I visited a few years ago. So Tuesday we took the regional train (off-peak hours, so not too busy) downtown. (News note: This was also the location of the recent "race" speech by Barack Obama.)

Lunch at Delilah's

But first we stopped to eat at Reading Terminal Market, where I had Delilah's macaroni-and-cheese and also her collard greens (my southern heritage at odds with Arnold). We had just seen Delilah on Carrie's cooking channel!

Going on to the National Constitution Center:

A wall in the exhibit hall contains what has become one of my favorite quotations:

"The only title in our democracy superior to that of President
is the title of citizen."
Justice Louis Brandeis, 1937

The live-and-multi-media orientation presents a background of history, and concludes with the question, "How will you use your freedom?"

Disciple Connection

That question really stood out to me, as we had just been reading Galations in our Disciple Bible Study, and studying the theme of freedom. The message was that, as Christ-followers, we should not overly focus on one rule/law unless we want to be measured equally by all of them (and we would fail). The whole law can be summed up (chapter 5) "simply" as: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Words used to describe the fruit of that life: love; joy; patience; kindness; faithfulness; gentleness; self-control.


Jolynn (Errante) Agostini
Assistant Professor of Nursing, Edinboro University of Pennsylvania
(If my research is correct/current. I looked that up.)

On the way back from Philadelphia, John and I made a couple stops in Erie, PA. The first was to see Jolynn, a high school classmate and a current role-model for my cancer experience. Before our last high school reunion (five years ago), she had been treated for an aggressive form of breast cancer. She is beautifully alive and doing shiningly well, and her perspectives and wisdom have been helpful gifts. (Sorry I forgot to get her picture.)

My Sister

Then (imagine being treated like a princess), we went to my sister and her husband Charlie's house, also in Erie, where Bonnie had dinner waiting! Yum! We spent the night there and had lots of laughs. Fun for everyone!

Cuddles.
The one sad part of the trip was the news that Cuddles, Bonnie's long-time canine companion, a cuddly-little-dog-who-loved-everyone, reached the end of her life this past Monday (before we visited). Cuddles will be missed not only for her affectionate and faithful personality, but also for her part in fun family stories - like getting into my mom's zipped travel bag and eating a bag of wrapped chocolate. Cuddles was determined to enjoy life.

Back "Home"
The trip back was easier taken in two days.

Then, Friday was my pre-chemo appointment with Dr. Malviya. A relatively quiet day, it seems, as we were done by 4:30 p.m.

I did feel like a bit of fun, so walked in wearing the pink wig from Sarah. Dr. Malviya happened to be at the reception desk when I arrived, and just stared for a moment, not seeming to recognize me. Then he started laughing, and I loved it. Later, while I was waiting in an exam room, some nurses who missed my entrance came for the wig view, so I put it back on.

Sometime it feels like I think about cancer all the time: when I wake up and when I try to sleep, when I should be doing something else, and when I am doing something else. I have added many of this week's moments of warmth and laughter to my memory bank for frequent withdrawal.

Tomorrow

Wednesday, we are taking some delayed vacation days to visit Carrie in Philadelphia! I am excited to see her! She lives in a different apartment than the one where she was last year when we saw her there. We plan to leave right after my "blood draw" (making sure blood counts are high enough to continue treatment... and assuming they are). In the meantime, James is taking care of things at home.

Hair(less)

Did I tell you that Sarah also gave me a present yesterday?

A really cute pink wig!

How fun!

As for that once-cute short hair cut, it has been shedding so much that much of it is now embedded in a stocking hat that my mom knitted for me. It looks like a mohair hat.

Today, was the day to try to calm some of the shedding. Allan, my brother and volunteer barber, came over this morning with his clippers. My head now feels a bit like Velcro.

My brother. My clipper-hero!



"And even the hairs on your head are all counted.
So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:31-32

Easter and James' Birthday

Christ is risen!
He is risen indeed!

This year, we celebrated Easter almost as early as ever.
And this year, it was also on James' birthday, March 23!

It was a lovely day, and I have felt good all week.
James and Sarah took me to the 9:15 service, which was full of joy and celebration.
John's sermon theme emphasized the importance of Christ's resurrection over everything else, and how it gives meaning and perspective to everything else.

It was also a joy to be out and see loved ones at church.
(No hand-shaking/holding though, as I am in my low-immunity time.)

After church, James and Sarah made brunch, perfectly timed for when John came home.
Later, Sarah made dinner, and we also ate James' traditional birthday cake, cookies-and-cream cheesecake, made this year by Sarah.

Happy Birthday # 25 James!
You are a terrific son, and we love you!

Digesting

One of my favorite books is The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry, which, in 11th grade French class, we read as Le Petit Prince.

I love that it explores childhood wonder and creativity and looks for sense in a grown-up world.

The story begins with a child's art story:

"Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories from Nature, about the primeval forest. It was a picture of a boa constrictor in the act of swallowing an animal....[with a drawing].

"In the book it said: 'Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole, without chewing it. After that they are not able to move, and they sleep through the six months that they need for digestion.'

"I pondered deeply, then, over the adventures of the jungle. And after some work with a colored pencil I succeeded in making my first drawing. My Drawing Number One. [with a drawing]

"I showed my masterpiece to the grown-ups, and asked them whether the drawing frightened them.

"But they answered: 'Frighten? Why should any one be frightened by a hat?'

"My drawing was not a picture of a hat. It was a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant. But since the grown-ups were not able to understand it, I made another drawing: I drew the inside of a boa constrictor, so that the grown-ups could see it clearly....."

(Check out this site The Little Prince for the drawings and more of the story.)


I think I have been digesting.

But what do I want to write/publish in a blog with an elephant still in my throat?

I appreciate your kind comments added to this blog site. I also sometimes wonder what balance of tone to use, and if I need to wait until my insides sound "better". I may be a bit like the boa constrictor, with things still in process. The nature of a blog is that it is not a work of art with everything settled perfectly in place. I am in process, and do not necessarily always look "ok". If I am anxious one day or not feeling well sometime, I do not want anyone else to worry. Oh well.

Time for a bit of catching up.

Wednesday
Wednesday was Chemo # 2 Day. Thank you for prayers. It was a good day. I get to sit in a room, with a variety of drugs flowing into my arm to make me better. And the anti-nausea drugs still appear mostly to be working. I have much to be thankful for in that experience.

Thursday
Thursday night, a package arrived from a long-time friend from school-days, Janey, who is a nurse in Grand Rapids. It included fun green socks for my St. Patrick's Day (yes, I wore them) and some note papers and a book: Prayers and Promises: when facing a life-threatening illness by Ed Dobson, along with a three-page hand-written letter.

I was not sure I wanted to read about "life-threatening illness". But the letter said that Janey's husband, who had a kidney transplant 2 1/2 years ago had found it encouraging, and that it had been written by a now-retired pastor of a large church in Grand Rapids (which I have visited) who now has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). Another connection (that Janey did not know) is that Rev. Dobson's daughter and my daughter were both in the Grand Rapids Youth Sympathy their senior year of high school, and further, both played in the same woodwind quartet together that year. They even performed together at Carrie's graduation open house in our home.

So I opened the book, and started reading. It is set up as 30 days of morning and evening reflections. The first day includes, "I'm not afraid of being dead. I'm afraid of getting dead." Hmm... Sounds honest. And later... "You are indispensable until your life on earth is done."

As I write, I remember another book that I read many years ago, To Live Until We Say Good-bye by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Mal Warshaw, that made the point that the consciousness of death can help make the moments of anyone's life more purposeful and in perspective.

Friday
Friday was more a day of high anxiety for me. A visit to the doctor. I had not had to experience the famous multi-hour waits before, as new-patient and then as a post-op patient. But that kicked in this week. I was anxious, because it was my first meeting with him since learning the results of the cytology report (that cancer cells were found outside of the original site). I was not totally surprised, and in fact, he had already started me on the chemo regimen for that result. But, of course, anyone's hope would be that cancer would be confined to the site of origin. Controlled. Then I had looked online for more information, and that made me more stressed. But as my cousin and a friend live out, we are not statistics; we are people.

Perhaps I have never appreciated my husband more than in that waiting time.

Besides my Neulasta shot (white blood cell booster) and my doctor's exam, I had a list of questions. Some version of the classic cancer question came up, "How long do I have?" And you know what? The answer was the same as it has always been: no one knows.

There is a certain comfort in that.

I pushed a bit further (with what I hoped would be a simpler question): How about this summer? Yes, barring any big thing, I should plan on being here this summer. Ok. Then let's move along...

I felt much lighter after seeing him. More peace.

So why am I just now writing on Tuesday? (I did start on Monday.)

I may go between wanting to just flow with the plan and allow drugs to do their work, and wondering what else I should be doing, and getting distracted by side-effects... One that I have not balanced out is that it seems like all the medicines cause constipation. There is medicine for that. I add a varying amount of prune juice to that (and sometimes Milk of Magnesia)... and I never realized how complicated that all gets...

Anyway, I am feeling better today, a little more balanced.

Oh, and a bit of fun. I have still been looking for movies that would actually make me laugh. I looked up "comedy films" in the online library card catalog, and found "Frank Capra's You Can't Take It With You" about a family of "free-spirits" and their one "stable" family member who falls in love with the rich Jimmy Stewart character. It actually did make me laugh.

From the Dobson book:
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."

So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6

Disciple

Ah, tonight was "Disciple Bible Study", that 34-week class John and I are co-leading this year. Well, we have been until my surgery in January. Then I was not even able to do my homework or come to class, much less be a leader. But the last two weeks, I came for half the class time (one of the two hours). And tonight, I got to help him lead again. Other classmates have been graciously taking turns co-leading with John. How lovely to share their unique gifts in unexpected ways.

It was good to be back. I so appreciated everyone filling in. But I knew that there will be other times they will be needed again. So this last week of chemo cycle #1, I figured I should have enough energy to do my homework and do my part.

I love being with them. They are busy with families and work and other volunteer activities. Some are helping as overnight hosts at church for "Hospitality Week" (a rotating shelter for people who are currently without an address) and other tasks. But they make it a priority to spend time with God each week - each day - to read and study his word, to really dig in to the context of the writing and to find application for their lives. They also pray for each other daily.

We met at Jan and Larry's tonight, as the church is full with our week's overnight guests. What warm hospitality. There are 16 of us, and if one is ever missing, they are sorely missed and prayed for.

Oh, how they love one another. Certainly, this is Beloved Community.