Tomorrow

Wednesday, we are taking some delayed vacation days to visit Carrie in Philadelphia! I am excited to see her! She lives in a different apartment than the one where she was last year when we saw her there. We plan to leave right after my "blood draw" (making sure blood counts are high enough to continue treatment... and assuming they are). In the meantime, James is taking care of things at home.

Hair(less)

Did I tell you that Sarah also gave me a present yesterday?

A really cute pink wig!

How fun!

As for that once-cute short hair cut, it has been shedding so much that much of it is now embedded in a stocking hat that my mom knitted for me. It looks like a mohair hat.

Today, was the day to try to calm some of the shedding. Allan, my brother and volunteer barber, came over this morning with his clippers. My head now feels a bit like Velcro.

My brother. My clipper-hero!



"And even the hairs on your head are all counted.
So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:31-32

Easter and James' Birthday

Christ is risen!
He is risen indeed!

This year, we celebrated Easter almost as early as ever.
And this year, it was also on James' birthday, March 23!

It was a lovely day, and I have felt good all week.
James and Sarah took me to the 9:15 service, which was full of joy and celebration.
John's sermon theme emphasized the importance of Christ's resurrection over everything else, and how it gives meaning and perspective to everything else.

It was also a joy to be out and see loved ones at church.
(No hand-shaking/holding though, as I am in my low-immunity time.)

After church, James and Sarah made brunch, perfectly timed for when John came home.
Later, Sarah made dinner, and we also ate James' traditional birthday cake, cookies-and-cream cheesecake, made this year by Sarah.

Happy Birthday # 25 James!
You are a terrific son, and we love you!

Digesting

One of my favorite books is The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry, which, in 11th grade French class, we read as Le Petit Prince.

I love that it explores childhood wonder and creativity and looks for sense in a grown-up world.

The story begins with a child's art story:

"Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories from Nature, about the primeval forest. It was a picture of a boa constrictor in the act of swallowing an animal....[with a drawing].

"In the book it said: 'Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole, without chewing it. After that they are not able to move, and they sleep through the six months that they need for digestion.'

"I pondered deeply, then, over the adventures of the jungle. And after some work with a colored pencil I succeeded in making my first drawing. My Drawing Number One. [with a drawing]

"I showed my masterpiece to the grown-ups, and asked them whether the drawing frightened them.

"But they answered: 'Frighten? Why should any one be frightened by a hat?'

"My drawing was not a picture of a hat. It was a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant. But since the grown-ups were not able to understand it, I made another drawing: I drew the inside of a boa constrictor, so that the grown-ups could see it clearly....."

(Check out this site The Little Prince for the drawings and more of the story.)


I think I have been digesting.

But what do I want to write/publish in a blog with an elephant still in my throat?

I appreciate your kind comments added to this blog site. I also sometimes wonder what balance of tone to use, and if I need to wait until my insides sound "better". I may be a bit like the boa constrictor, with things still in process. The nature of a blog is that it is not a work of art with everything settled perfectly in place. I am in process, and do not necessarily always look "ok". If I am anxious one day or not feeling well sometime, I do not want anyone else to worry. Oh well.

Time for a bit of catching up.

Wednesday
Wednesday was Chemo # 2 Day. Thank you for prayers. It was a good day. I get to sit in a room, with a variety of drugs flowing into my arm to make me better. And the anti-nausea drugs still appear mostly to be working. I have much to be thankful for in that experience.

Thursday
Thursday night, a package arrived from a long-time friend from school-days, Janey, who is a nurse in Grand Rapids. It included fun green socks for my St. Patrick's Day (yes, I wore them) and some note papers and a book: Prayers and Promises: when facing a life-threatening illness by Ed Dobson, along with a three-page hand-written letter.

I was not sure I wanted to read about "life-threatening illness". But the letter said that Janey's husband, who had a kidney transplant 2 1/2 years ago had found it encouraging, and that it had been written by a now-retired pastor of a large church in Grand Rapids (which I have visited) who now has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). Another connection (that Janey did not know) is that Rev. Dobson's daughter and my daughter were both in the Grand Rapids Youth Sympathy their senior year of high school, and further, both played in the same woodwind quartet together that year. They even performed together at Carrie's graduation open house in our home.

So I opened the book, and started reading. It is set up as 30 days of morning and evening reflections. The first day includes, "I'm not afraid of being dead. I'm afraid of getting dead." Hmm... Sounds honest. And later... "You are indispensable until your life on earth is done."

As I write, I remember another book that I read many years ago, To Live Until We Say Good-bye by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Mal Warshaw, that made the point that the consciousness of death can help make the moments of anyone's life more purposeful and in perspective.

Friday
Friday was more a day of high anxiety for me. A visit to the doctor. I had not had to experience the famous multi-hour waits before, as new-patient and then as a post-op patient. But that kicked in this week. I was anxious, because it was my first meeting with him since learning the results of the cytology report (that cancer cells were found outside of the original site). I was not totally surprised, and in fact, he had already started me on the chemo regimen for that result. But, of course, anyone's hope would be that cancer would be confined to the site of origin. Controlled. Then I had looked online for more information, and that made me more stressed. But as my cousin and a friend live out, we are not statistics; we are people.

Perhaps I have never appreciated my husband more than in that waiting time.

Besides my Neulasta shot (white blood cell booster) and my doctor's exam, I had a list of questions. Some version of the classic cancer question came up, "How long do I have?" And you know what? The answer was the same as it has always been: no one knows.

There is a certain comfort in that.

I pushed a bit further (with what I hoped would be a simpler question): How about this summer? Yes, barring any big thing, I should plan on being here this summer. Ok. Then let's move along...

I felt much lighter after seeing him. More peace.

So why am I just now writing on Tuesday? (I did start on Monday.)

I may go between wanting to just flow with the plan and allow drugs to do their work, and wondering what else I should be doing, and getting distracted by side-effects... One that I have not balanced out is that it seems like all the medicines cause constipation. There is medicine for that. I add a varying amount of prune juice to that (and sometimes Milk of Magnesia)... and I never realized how complicated that all gets...

Anyway, I am feeling better today, a little more balanced.

Oh, and a bit of fun. I have still been looking for movies that would actually make me laugh. I looked up "comedy films" in the online library card catalog, and found "Frank Capra's You Can't Take It With You" about a family of "free-spirits" and their one "stable" family member who falls in love with the rich Jimmy Stewart character. It actually did make me laugh.

From the Dobson book:
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."

So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6

Disciple

Ah, tonight was "Disciple Bible Study", that 34-week class John and I are co-leading this year. Well, we have been until my surgery in January. Then I was not even able to do my homework or come to class, much less be a leader. But the last two weeks, I came for half the class time (one of the two hours). And tonight, I got to help him lead again. Other classmates have been graciously taking turns co-leading with John. How lovely to share their unique gifts in unexpected ways.

It was good to be back. I so appreciated everyone filling in. But I knew that there will be other times they will be needed again. So this last week of chemo cycle #1, I figured I should have enough energy to do my homework and do my part.

I love being with them. They are busy with families and work and other volunteer activities. Some are helping as overnight hosts at church for "Hospitality Week" (a rotating shelter for people who are currently without an address) and other tasks. But they make it a priority to spend time with God each week - each day - to read and study his word, to really dig in to the context of the writing and to find application for their lives. They also pray for each other daily.

We met at Jan and Larry's tonight, as the church is full with our week's overnight guests. What warm hospitality. There are 16 of us, and if one is ever missing, they are sorely missed and prayed for.

Oh, how they love one another. Certainly, this is Beloved Community.

Walking by Default

My visiting nurse (from whom I am now discharged) had told me to walk around my house at least 3 minutes, three times per day (more if able). It helps to keep the blood and air flowing to prevent pneumonia and blood clots, and maybe to keep up a little strength and energy in general.

Normally, I would not have chosen to exercise by walking circles around my house. It tends to make people nervous to see someone walking back and forth in a confined space. But it is too cold and icy for outdoor walks, and simpler than mall walks. So here I am. My family is coping (and sometimes joining in).

When I was still in the hospital, I walked by default. I did not get much sleep in the hospital bed on my back. So sometimes I would just get up in the night and walk around the halls until the battery on my IV pole ran too low and started beeping incessantly.

Now, I walk (when I have the energy) because I was told to do so, but also because it feels good. I walk with my thoughts and prayers in the quiet. I walk to the rhythm of Sheryl Crow's "Out of Our Heads and Into Our Hearts" (gift from a teenager). I walk when I am on the phone and when I floss my teeth. When my sister was here, she walked with me, but cautioned John to explain to anyone who looked in the windows why it looked like she was chasing me.

I also am reminded of a song we learned in my childhood church called, "In the Garden" about walking with God. "And he walks with me and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known."

I am thankful for walks.

Thanks for Comments

Thank you for all the comments you write after these entries. I read them all with much appreciation.

"See, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh;
is anything too hard for me?"
Jeremiah 32:27

These are the words Ron Keller referred to after Monday's entry.
The context is that Jerusalem is going to be carried off to Babylon.
A very tough time.

But God also speaks hopeful words, that he will bring them back, that he will be with them and take care of them, that he will always be their God.

I was recently feeling pretty good, and was wondering if I was suffering enough to warrant all the prayers and good wishes and attention and cards and food and head-coverings...
Today, I received a report I had been waiting for, that said the cancer was not as confined as I had hoped.
What does that all mean?
I will talk to my doctor in a week.
In the meantime, I am on the course of treatment that is necessary.

I want to live a long time.
I want to feel more certain.
But who ever knows about the future?
Who can control their life or birth or their height or number of days?
There is so much mystery.

All I know is that God is mighty, beyond my comprehension, full of mercy and grace, and that he walks with me, and holds me. Nothing is too hard for him.

To My Northville Church Family - A Minister's Wife's Perspective

You have heard that we are moving.
Perhaps in yesterday's or today's mail you have heard of the person who is coming here.

My prayers are with you as you welcome that new person into this church family, and join together in ministry.

A new pastor is a big change for you.
A new congregation and new town are a big change for a pastor too.

As our new Royal Oak Staff-Parish Committee said,
"It is our job to support you."

Blessings and best wishes.

What Does "Shedding" Hair Feel Like?

I thought it would just fall out quietly, without much notice. But there is a little tenderness to it. It is a little like wearing hair in a certain way, maybe parted a certain way, or back in a ponytail, then changing it.

A Week With My Sister

John was away this past week for Board of Ordained Ministry meetings (where they interviewed candidates for ordination). He would have stayed home if needed, but there was a more creative idea. Bonnie, my sister, came from Erie, PA to watch over me! What fun! She took me to get my lab work done, and to lunch, and to the libray to get movies to keep us company indoors.

"The Girl in the Cafe"
We thought we would get light movies, hoping for medicinal laughter. We have yet to discover those hilarious movies. But we did enjoy what we saw, and I must recommend one in particular: "The Girl in the Cafe". It is not just the "chick flick" the title might suggest. It is a "must see". Run to check it out from your nearest library. (Or if you are not lucky enough to have a library, rent it or buy it.) See it. See it. See it. It is an Important Movie (Don't be surprised if you laugh in places too.)


What Did Make Me Laugh
Bonnie had an electronic game about the size of a yo-yo called "20 Questions". I was terrible at it. The little machine was supposed to ask questions that would figure out what I was thinking. Thinking ahead to Royal Oak, my first thought was "the Detroit Zoo". The game asked questions like "animal, vegetable, mineral" or "Is it big?" or "Would you find it in a zoo?" I was stumped by many of the questions, but at least my husband was amused by my facial expressions.

Birthday Cake
Before she came, Bonnie had asked what kind of birthday cake I wanted. I told her the kind Mom always made: banana cake with peanut butter frosting (maybe it is southern). Bonnie had never made it before, so called Mom for the recipe. It was delicious!



I'm Identifying With:

1) Menopausal Women
Yes, you know those clothes-drenching hot flashes you have been telling me about?
I now understand.

2) Bald Men and Anyone with Short Hair
Wow, it's cold!
When I first got my hair cut, I went around the house with a (winter) scarf around my neck.
Now, sometimes, I just throw the whole "prayer shawl" around my head and shoulders.


I'm Shedding.
Oh, by the way, yesterday, I noticed my hair starting to "shed".
I would say, the chemo must be working!

A Blessed Birthday
I'm 53 today. James and Sarah spent their afternoon making dinner and a birthday cake (yellow with chocolate frosting with Sarah's mom's recipe and Sarah's chocolate pudding ingredient invention). Yum!

Then tonight at Disciple Bible Study (I am starting to get out more), besides studying the book of Acts, our friends brought goodies and also gave me a lovely variety of CD's to help pass those chemo, etc. hours.

I think I will sleep well.