Identity

So. I am contemplating involvement with a cancer support community. I do not know what that might mean. But it makes me think about my identity and definition. Hmm... Part of a cancer group...

I can think of identity extremes, from one end as a regular Death Machine headed straight toward destruction.
At an opposite extreme, there could be Done-with-Chemo-Done-with-Cancer, Forever Free and Going to Live Forever Like Everyone Else.

Those are both extreme, of course. I did get as close as "I am not dying today!" when I got impatient waiting for CT results. I then moved into "I am living today!"

But generally, I live in places in between. I sometimes listen to descriptions of identity from others, and decide whether or not to affirm them for myself. For example, at my last doctor visit, Dr. Malviya said "You are a walker." Hmm. I like that and want to keep it, and am trying to live up to it.

Also, after a comment that my hair(-lessness) has worked out well for the summer, he said I looked for the good. Hmm. I like that too, and want to keep it, and want to live up to it.

Another identity piece that I like to hold on to:
"...I have called you by name; you are mine.....
You are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you....."
(God's message in Isaiah 43:1b,4a)

Found Treasure

I just found my clock radio and my cross-stitch needlework bag! The box was packed upside down, so when I peeked in before, I did not see what I was looking for on top!

Sometimes we cannot find what we are looking for because it is not where we expect it!

The Princess and the Pea at Gilda's Club

I call today my Princess and the Pea Day, when my bones and muscles seem extra sensitive. It took a while to drag myself out of the house, but I knew I needed to move. Fortunately, James and I had just walked last night, and found our way to the local Gilda's Club (after it was closed for the evening). It seemed like a good destination for a walk today, and I knew I would not get lost! They were very welcoming, although- interesting welcome- one person said she was sorry I had to be there. It seems worth exploring, so I "joined", and I look forward to participating.

Chemotherapy # 8

Sunday
John fit some vacation time in between my CT scan on August 12 and the doctor's appointment this past Friday (and continued on a bit). On our second vacation Sunday, we visited the First United Methodist Church of Birmingham. Good service and interesting-sounding programs. James and Sarah went with us. Then we all went to the zoo.

Monday
Whenever we move to a new place, we make an effort to try out the local activities. So Monday, John (still a vacation day) and I went down Woodward Avenue to the Michigan State Fair. (We had been there once before we were married.) My favorite part was the Miracle of Life building, where we saw lots of baby animals and a video of a calf being born. Had we arrived earlier, we might have seen a pig giving birth. Or if we had stayed later, we might have seen a ewe giving birth. Some of the animals were available to pet, and they were so adorable, but I refrained from touching. Although there were hand-washing stations, for me they signaled a warning more than permission. I figure the end of chemotherapy and my compromised immune system are in sight. I try to minimize risks (such as not shaking hands.) As for food, John and I spilt an "Elephant Ear", and it was plenty. And that leads me to my second favorite part: chocolate milk! If you go to the Dairy Barn, you can get a "bottomless" cup of chocolate milk for fifty cents! (We also got plenty of walking in both of these days.)

Tuesday
8:00 a.m. chemotherapy appointment.
The monitor machine kept beeping, even more than usual, which can happen if there is some problem that stops the flow of the IV liquid. It is likely because I move my arm, and the needle's position in the vein changes. So I read some and I ate left-handed, as the IV was in my right arm. I did not even try the cross-stich needleework I packed. At first I just tried to move minimally. But then I tried to keep my arm perfectly still after one of the nurses tried changing the tape configuation, then finally said she was just going to take it out and start all over, because every time it beeped, the medicine had stopped, and it would take too long to complete. Really? Another hole? I do not mind basically, but sometimes it might take more than one try. So I figured as long as we had one that would work if I would just keep still, it would be worth it to just keep perfectly (almost) still. I was feeling pretty sleepy anyway from the medicine they give to help not have an allergic reaction (Benadryl). We were done around 1:30 p.m. John brougth his computer, and got some work done. (Back to work!)

John's "boss" comes over
Almost as soon as we got home, John had his annual "one-on-one" appointment with his District Superintendent, who was having all his meetings in the parsonages this year.

Disciple Orientation
Then, because we scheduled this when my chemo day was Wednesday, and today would have been the day BEFORE chemo, John and I had our Orientation meeting at church for our Disciple Bible Study class. It is a lot of information all at once, but once we get into the class, it will click!

Exercise
Thanks for your exercise ball suggestion, Elizabeth! I do have one (bought in an earlier ambitious hopeful moment), but I have not used it. I would be glad to hear your ideas.

Also, I contacted someone I expected to point me in a good direction: classmate Jim C.. And he did! He suggested starting off with something less ambitious than leg lifts, and to work progressively, rather than to start right out with something quite difficult (and perhaps not even the best exercise for me). He said to excercise different muscles together, such as both the stomach and the back, as they need each other. He also recommended a book called the YMCA Healthy Back Book (which I actually ordered on Amazon.com, along with its video to try to make sure I do the exercise right! -I don't want to make things worse.) So I am looking forward the arrival of my package!

Wednesday
Tomorrow afternoon, I go back to the office for my Neulasta shot. It helps me to fend off infections, even though my white blood cells get destoyed as collateral damage. I am so grateful, as that lets me be out and about, even though I take still take precautions (hand-washing and hand-sanitizer; no shaking hands, althought I do hug; and no petting the State Fair animals - this year).

Thanks for reading, commenting, and praying!
Love,
Laura

A Visit with Dr. Malviya

Yesterday, Friday, August 22 was my doctor's visit.
8 1/2 hours at the office.

(While I was waiting, I walked around the blocks of Providence Hospital grounds a couple times, complete with sun clothes, sun hat, sun screen lotion, and walking shoes, which I later changed to sandals and clean socks, then read some of Nadine Gordimer's None to Accompany Me (set in South Africa at the end of apartheid), and then did some counted cross-stitch until I ran out of concentration. Then I watched some TV. I also visited with a couple familiar patients and a couple new ones.)

Home by 11:00 p.m.
I left the office in a thoroughly happy mood, and not just because I got to go home and eat!


Since my CT scan was clear, we were concerned with my basic body health.

Two particular action areas:

1) Some neuropathy in my toes. I need to keep walking, keep moving to help protect those nerve shields.
Invitation: If anyone wants to walk with me, that would be just what the doctor ordered!

2) Stomach muscles. I have a "very small (abdominal) hernia", weak muscle spot. I need to strengthen my stomach muscles in general. Dr. Malviya suggested left lifts. If I lie on my back and raise my heels a few inches off the floor, about 5 times every day every day this month, he says I will be ready to increase it next month. I am not good at this, but it is a place to start. Really? I did it once (not 5) so far today, and even then my small back arched up. I looked up a few directions so far: Floor or chair leg lifts; Yoga leg lifts; Alternatives. Looks like I need more research and may try different methods. I don't want my uncertainly or the difficulty to be an excuse to not to exercise!


As for the future...
(Yes, future.)
It looks like the plan is chemotherapy # 8 this Tuesday, then chemotherapy #9 in four weeks. That's it!
Then, rather than monthly doctor visits, I will come every other month.
(I almost said I would miss him, but did not.)

I am going to a retreat with my mom and sister in October, the usual week for my visit, but can wait to see him the following week!


Meantime, John sat with me all this time, reading a thick biography. Sturdy company.
And when we arrived home, we ate delicious food that James and Sarah had cooked!

Now, I must get moving!
Always, thanks for prayers and encouragement!
And, remember the open invitation to walk!

CT Results

John and I arrived home (Royal Oak, still reminding myself where I live) tonight from visiting my parents up north for a few days. James and Sarah made dinner here, and we got to sit together and chat for a while. So good to be here!

On our way home, Gail, Dr. Malviya's nurse, called my cell phone to let me know the results of the CT scan.

It was clear! There was no visible sign of disease!

It was so good to hear her message!

Lots of thoughts had run through my head in the days of waiting. There is no use guessing, of course. But I am reminded to be thankful... for health and healing, for God's grace and mercy, for the beauty around me (so evident at the folks' place), and for people who care about me.

Thanks especially to those who have prayed and who pray for me.
It is both exhilarating and humbling.
But it is also part of a bigger project than I can imagine,
to acknowledge the Creator of the Universe and to be in intimate partnership together.
It also reminds me to pray for others...


But what if the results were not clear, if they indicated more disease?
It is easy for that question to seem very large, looming.

There are so many questions in the world.
Why give that one so much importance?
What if...?

Today's results were clear.
Why let fear overshadow or dominate the goodness of life's moments?

I am thankfor for this moment, this day, these people.
And yes, always, God is with me; God loves me; God gives good gifts.


Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
and comes down from the Father of lights,
with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:17

Vacation Weekend

Farmer's Market
We squeezed a lot into Saturday. We made our first (quick) trip to Royal Oak's Farmer's Market. John usually has Saturday morning appointments.

Woodward Dream Cruise
I have heard about this, but could not imagine what it was like. We figured we would at least experience some of it our first year here. Wow, what a lot of (old) cars!

My favorite part was the car with paint that looked a deep purple color, but seemed to change to a deep green as I moved around it.

We also saw our nurse friend, Robin, who spent some time as our guide, and who also reminded me that chemo makes skin need extra care in the sun! (We did not stay very long.)

African World Festival
We specifically wanted to see the Soweto Street Beat (drumming program from South Africa) (and to eat the food). We enjoyed meeting Peter and Isabelle, and participating in the drumming and even a bit of Zulu dancing (generous description). It was fun!

I also bought a head wrap, and the woman at the booth wrapped it around my head for me, explaining directions as she went.


Kensington Community Church
Where does a minister go on vacation? This morning it was Kensington Community Church. Their theme was the work of volunteers in the Body of Christ. (It got John and I brainstorming...) I also bought a book that Jim W. had recommended some time ago, Blue Like Jazz. So now, it is on my reading list, as soon as I am done with my current one...

Zoo

Yes! We went to the Detroit Zoo yesterday! Since we went late in the day, we only stayed about half an hour and saw a fraction of the park. We still saw plenty: animals, beautiful gardens, concert-in-picnic area, colorful birds in the aviary, otters swimming. I kep thinking, "My mom will like this, so I hope she can come see it soon!"

CT Scan Day & Other Days

Chemotherapy #7 Afterward
I last wrote two weeks ago, the day of chemotherapy #7. I have felt really pretty good. I only noticed my stomach feeling affected once, but I walked it off, and did not have to use the anti-nausea medicine (which is binding). My feet did not feel as affected as I remembered from last month, so I think the vitamin B6 Dr. Malviya suggested may be helping. (He said 50 mg, but I could only find 100 mg., so I was cutting them in half. At my last appointment, he said to just take the whole tab, as they are water soluble anyway and will just leave my system.)

Hope
Also, at my last appointment, I commented that I would like to say that I have HAD cancer. Dr. Malviya smiled, and said that people frame things how it works best for them. But scientifically (I am paraphrasing), it would be more accurate to use the past tense after five years. So, I suppose a long-term goal would be birthday #58.

Also, at my last doctor's appointment, I asked if I could go on my mom's traditional women's retreat (Win-some Women) in October (as in my understanding, I would have had my chemotherapy #9 by then). He asked how long I would be gone, and I said less than a week. He said to GO! So my sister Bonnie registered us today! (We do have to wait for an acceptance letter.)

Wednesday, July 30
...I had my Neulasta shot, which brings on some aches, but is SO valuable in helping me to be strong enough to be around people! It was good to see Robin back in the office too.

Thursday
...the day I expected to be the lowest, I mostly hung out at home. I missed Kent's call, but did see sparkling Candy.

Friday, August 1
... I would have loved to have seen Theresa and Kathy's ukulele group (had I gotten around early enough, but as it turned out, needed my sleep). John and I did stop by Ford Field later to see how Lloyd was doing with set-up for Saturday's classsmate gathering at Dearborn's Homecoming.

His work was done, but we hung around a bit there, and also ran into Kent! I was hungry (Is that the steroids, or do I just enjoy food that much?). So I had corn-on-the-cob, plus an Italian sandwich with green peppers and onions. I know I have been somewhat careful about eating "healthy", but it did have vegetables and tomato sauce.

We also had picked up Saturday's cake that morning and brought it to John's mom's to be refrigerated until Kathy would pick it up on her way to Homecoming on Saturday midday.


Saturday, August 2
Homecoming and Reunion
Edsel Ford High School 1973

I expected this to not be my personal best timing, as I did not expect peak energy. But I loved seeing people at the daytime Homecoming and evening Class Reunion, so they helped me to soar above expectations.

People came from a distance too, ex.(at Homecoming) Janey from Grand Rapids (who also spent the night with us), Terry and Tom from Chicago (who also brought flowers!), John and Jon from Chicago, Susan from Chicago, Kent from Florida, Janis from Florida, Cheryl from California, Len from Colorado, Gary from Connecticut, and Larry from New Jersey.

That evening, I gave thanks 1) that God is always with us; 2) that God always loves us; 3) and for the gathering and food.

Reunion Clothes
I have a little personal joke that may be becoming less private.
I have a Homecoming dress that is the traditional garment I wear each year to Homecoming, my sugar sack dress. It started out just as something that would be both comfortable and covering from all day in the sun. Now, I think people might not recognize me if I wore something else.

I also have a Reunion dress that I have worn for three Reunions. I did not start out to make a tradition. I bought it ten years ago at a good sale. Five years ago, I realized I had not worn it much, and Who would even notice or would care what I wore? So I decided I would wear it again, and that if it fit, I might just keep wearing it!


In Person
I enjoy the email communications I have with classmates. But I noticed a deeper satisfaction from seeing them in person. There is no substitute for sitting down face-to-face, and it is good to do so now and then!

Bill A.
Life's road is not all highs. I also received email that our Florida friend, Bill A. (an e-mail buddy, but from my parents' age), was in the hospital, seriously ill. He is since doing better, a serious prayer recipient.

Clare - Sad news
a.k.a Grandma Genitti, died last week, and I saw (my Italian) family at visitation, but could not also make the funeral. Dear Clare sure had spunk!

Rest of last week - Friday and Saturday
We enjoyed two wedding celebrations (John officiated), one for Matthew and Amanda and one for Dave L. and Marion. In the first, the groom's father was his best man. In the second, the best man was the groom's son. Good family times to be welcomed into.

Another fun part, we met and sat with Elaine Eason Steele and Anita Peek at the Saturday reception. They are involved with the Rosa and Raymond Parks Institute for Self-Development. What good conversation!

Cliftine
Sunday, I attended a Memorial Service at Dearborn Free Methodist Church for Cliftine, and saw many dear "old" friends (including Cheryl H., now in Illinois) and family members from my childhood Calvary Baptist Church.


Hospitality
Our Royal Oak church continued to be a welcoming place. John and Sheryl S. hosted a "Meet and Greet" last Monday night, where a fun and lively group gathered.

As for food
....Both Candy (Shepherd's Pie) and Kip (Tabouleh) each provided delicious and healthful dinners! Much appreciated!

Monday with a New Neighbor
Walking with another person really helps me to get out, especially in my maze-neighborhood! So classmate Sue C., who now lives within walking distance (almost), came over to share a walk!

Tuesday, CT Scan and Blood Draw Day
Sunday, after the memorial service, John Sullivan told me his Tuesday 6:30 a.m. men's prayer group would pray for me. I loved and appreciated that. Sometimes, I do feel a sheer white fear, but it is mostly passing, thanks largely to dear people who pray for me.

My previous CT scans had been at the Novi campus of Providence Hospital, and my most recent blood draws had been from Beaumont Hospital, so we had to find our way to new places and with new faces at the Southfield Providence now (because of moving). Everyone was kind and helpful. Before, I drank three large cups of clear tasteless liquid contrast. Here, I drank one milkshake-type cup of barium contrast.

I wondered if they could do the whole thing with one poke, get out the blood they needed, then use the same hole for the IV. It made sense enough to ask the question. But no, they do not do that. Oh well.

Since I had fasted for a day and a half, I looked forward to eating lunch! So John took me out! Lucky me, as now he is on vacation for a few days.

Today
I also finally joined the zoo (online) today. Last winter, when we first heard we had been assigned to move to Royal Oak, the first thing I thought about the new place was "They have a zoo!" So today was my catch-up-on-blog day, and maybe a zoo day. We still may go if it stops raining. (It stays opened later on Wednesdays.)

Results of CT Scan
According to my notes, I noticed that Gail (the nurse) called the day after my last CT Scan to say it was clear. So it is a good thing that Jasmine (CT tech) told me Dr. Malviya would have the results in "3-5 business days". So by the time they get back to me, it could be longer. I am glad she told me that so I did not expect them today.

How long is chemotherapy?
The last I knew, I expected 8-9 cycles. But nothing is set. And the results of this CT Scan are important in determining direction. Hopefully, all is clear! No new tumors. (There is no simple blood test to tell if treatment is working.)

Prayer Thought
Someone recently wrote to me about the "ask, seek, knock" scripture. She wrote about a young relative who held on to that passage through a fast leukemia diagnosis and death.

Reflection...
1) Ask, seek, knock in response to a loving caring God, with the awareness that it is not necessarily a recipe to get whatever we want in our time, but it directs our attention to the One who provides life.

2) Ask, seek, knock in a personal unique response to that mighty loving God.
Regardless of circumstances in anyone else's life.
They may get what they want.
They may not.
But if I do, it is not at someone else's expense and it does not upset a heavenly balance.
(It certainly occurs to me, why should I get health and not someone else?)
It is a mystery.
I do not understand and cannot explain any lack in the world.
But we still ask, seek, knock... expecting God's answers and blessings and abundant life.
I do believe that is what He wants.

Vanity
Another seeming random thought.
For much of my life, I had long hair.
I had heard stories that my Grandma Ryan once had hair long enough to sit on.
Mine seemed to stop short of that goal, but it was long all through my growing-up days.
Sometimes, other children (or even adults) would say something like,
"Don't ever cut your hair," or "I'll never speak to you if you ever cut your hair."
My hair seemed to give me value.
I would like to think I was completely humble about my appearance, but of course not.
However, now, with no hair (or only a bit of fuzz), I realize that my hair was not my source of pride.
One does not need to have anything special to experience vanity.
So vanity or humbleness are more inner attributes and not dependent on physical features.

Time to close for now.
Once again, thank you.
Thank you for reading, for caring, and mostly for praying.